Loving God With All My Soul.

So yes, one of the things I talk about here on my blog is my faith. No, not everyone agrees that I should combine business and personal. No, not everyone thinks I'm a perfect Christian and they are quick to point out my humanly errors. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a perfect Christian. And that's the beauty of being a follower of Christ, through the grace of Jesus, we aren't expected to be perfect. That's exactly what He died for. Our imperfections. What God cares about the most is loving Him with our all.

But lately, I haven't been talking much about my faith. And really, it's because I have to confess, I've been in a weird phase with it. It's not that I gave up on God, but when you go through something traumatic like losing a parent, your faith gets shaken to the core and the love you have for the Lord is truly tested.

You question everything you've ever believed.

Is God truly good even in the bad? If He really loved me as my Heavenly Father, why would He take away my earthly Father before he could even walk me down the aisle, and leave my mom alone? If this is supposed to strengthen my faith, why do I still have moments of bursting out in tears at the thought of it all?

Last night, I finally broke down and told Mark what I didn't tell him about our recent camping trip. He went off with the boys on the lake to go fishing, and I went on a long hike through the trails in the hills. I needed to get away and simply cry out to God in a place where no one else could hear me, away from it all, in the middle of the nature He so beautifully created. Everyone has told me from the beginning that the 6 month anniversary of a loved one's death is the hardest, but honestly, now 2.5 months in, I'm starting to feel it.

It's like, I KNOW my dad is gone, but it's hitting me that he's REALLY gone.

He's NOT coming back.

I keep catching myself wanting to call my dad up and share with him cool things here and there. Like being featured on the PocketWizard website today. Hot dang. I'm actually making something of myself, I loved making him proud with each step forward my career took.

But I can't share that with him anymore. :-(

I used to love going over to my parents house, walking in the back door, meeting my dad in the kitchen for a hug, telling him the latest business success I achieved, and him grabbing my hand, then my mom's, then Rhett's paw for our ritual family "circle dance". It was so cheezy, but I truly loved that moment of taking a few seconds to celebrate life and all God had blessed us with in that moment. I've never seen so much joy in my dad's eyes than those frozen moments of time when we all danced in a circle and sang our "do to do to do" song.

But since my dad has passed, my mom and I haven't done a circle dance since. It's like, that circle is broken and it just doesn't feel the same doing it without him. I know my mom and I should continue the tradition, but it's just that feeling of being stuck. Just like how she can't be inspired to continue her blog. She even tried to start a new one for a new beginning. She's tried to write, but no words fill her heart to share.

So yes, all this challenges my faith. I've never felt more distant with God in our relationship, and that scares me. So that's why I needed to get away on that trail in the hills and just cry out to Him. And cry over missing my dad. I try so hard to hold those tears back in everyday life, but moments like that moment in the hills just come spilling out in that sobbing way that you can't control and can barely breathe because the tears hurt so much. I just sat there on the ground in the middle of the woods and tried to feel His arms around me. And as much as I would have loved Mark's arms around me comforting me in that moment, it was a moment I only needed God's, to find His sweet embrace again.

But then, in His perfect timing, as He always proves faithful in, tonight my mom came over to drop off her dog as she ventures off on a road trip to NYC with her brother. She's been taking a lot of trips lately, and I'm glad she has the chance to get away and refresh her soul. Anyways, she brought me a gift from one of my angels here on earth. Her name is Donna and she's a friend of my mom's who has always been like an aunt or a Godmother. She's one of those people who I've never heard say a bad word about anyone, and she carries so much joy in her heart because of the passionate love relationship she has with Jesus. For no reason at all, she sent me a goody bag with all kinds of girly things and also included was a book called "Loving God With All of My Soul." It's a small book, but the back of the book said everything I can't wait to dive into read:

"According to Jesus, the most important thing anyone can do is to love God. But what does it mean to love someone we can't see or touch? And how can we obey the command until we understand it's meaning?

With All My Soul explores what it means to love God with all aspects of our being-- heart, soul, mind and strength.

If we simply claim that we love God without understanding what it means, our spiritual experience will be shallow and unsatisfying. But as we discover that God loves us all of the same ways that He wants to be loved, our love for Him grows deeper and higher, and we become satisfied in the safety of His embrace."

The safety of His embrace. Reading this means so much more now being IN love with an incredible and wonderful guy whose arms do embrace me with so much love and safety and feeling that tangible feeling of how God loves us like that and so much more. So I'm looking forward to the journey ahead through this book to help me get back on track with my love relationship with the Lord, and how I can learn to love Mark that much better. Like the cliche saying goes, it's about the journey, not the destination, right?

Also, something I want to share with the women photographers who follow my blog, I'm attending an AMAZING retreat in August in Oregon called Be Thou My Vision. They are still accepting registrations and offering a $25 discount if you sign up by June 1, so if you are looking for a great getaway to connect with God and some amazing Christian photographers (like my girl Heather Thorne!), check out the website at:

http://www.bemyvision.org

I hope to see you there!!

And I want to leave you with a beautiful song called "How Deep The Father's Love For Us" that Danielle and Jay had sung at their wedding ceremony. I was in tears listening to it behind the camera, and just the simplicity of how truly deep my Father's love is for me, how undeserving I am for it, but how grateful I am to be loved by Him now sharing glory in Heaven with my earthly father.




I also love love love this worship song, "Lifeline" by Brooke Fraser, for these kind of moments.