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Jacksonville Senior Photographer // Scarlett Lillian Seniors: The things I don't say.
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Sep 7, 2008

The things I don't say.

Some times I write blog entries that I don't publish. Those are usually the entries that I'm venting, ranting, whining, crying, rambling or trying to decide if I should hold back from being toooooo personal here on the blog. So I'll typically write the entry, then sit on it a night to decide if I want to publish it and show the world.

Friday I wrote one of those entries.

It's not that I hesitated showing it to all of you. I think it was more like, I was just upset in the midst of tears flowing, and wanted to wait to write a new entry when I was hopeful again.

Basically, Friday we found out that my dad's cancer is getting worse because the results of the CATscan showed that the tumor was increasing. And like a few months ago when we first heard the news that he had cancer, it just left me numb all over again.

I didn't know what to say here on the blog because it really challenged my faith. I am so thankful for so many wonderful friends who stand in the gap for me during those times, but, in being real, it was really hard to hear that news. I've been praying and believing soooooo hard that God is going to miraculously heal my dad, so in hearing the opposite was happening inside of his body, it was just that natural let down kind of feeling questioning WHERE God was that day.

It was funny too how I felt like I had to take my own medicine. Just earlier this week, someone emailed me sharing the news of her heartbreak in finding out her friend's baby boy had passed away from cancer. I wrote back trying to encourage her with the truths God gives us in His word to comfort us in times we don't understand His purpose, so when I heard the news of my dad, I suddenly found myself questioning if I even believe in the truths. I mean... I know I do.... but.... it's just..... well.... being challenged right now... but.... despite not understanding everything right now, I have learned to be thankful for the moments when I feel my faith is the weakest because that's when it forces me to draw even more on God's strength.

"When you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need." James 1:2-4


And like my friend Jen Harris reminded me, we are truly never alone like the popular Barlow Girl song reminds us. So I'm continuing to remain hopeful trusting whatever the Lord's will is for my dad. And.....

"Though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen"

Labels:

30 Comments:

Anonymous Sunny said...

My mom (Connie) called to get me to pray even harder. I am holding your dad in prayer right there with my mom. HUGS!

September 7, 2008 at 8:52 PM  
Blogger jamiedelaine said...

Still praying for you guys. I adore that song.

September 7, 2008 at 9:06 PM  
Blogger Kylene said...

Your dad is on this earth for a purpose, and whatever happens in his life is what God meant to happen. Your faith will show through, no matter what the result. I'm praying for you and your family.

September 7, 2008 at 9:12 PM  
Blogger LadyBug said...

When my father's cancer progressed, I had those same feelings. Ironically, the Barlow Girl song was my shining light. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. *hugs you*

September 7, 2008 at 9:24 PM  
Blogger Heather Thorne Photography said...

Praying for you and your dad, Scarlett!

September 7, 2008 at 9:42 PM  
Blogger Stacy Cross said...

I truly know how hard it is to pray with all your heart for healing and to feel like things are moving backwards. Keep fighting in faith . . . and know that you are not alone. My prayers are with you!!

September 7, 2008 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger Amy C. said...

Scarlett--your dad, you and your mom are in my prayers, as you have been since you first announced his cancer. I'm so sorry to hear this latest report.

September 7, 2008 at 10:41 PM  
Blogger Ariana's Corner said...

Dear Scarlett,
I am SO Sorry to hear this sad news! As I read about your challenges I am reminded of Psalms 91! "Protection!" I believe this is an attack on you and your family! The Lord NEVER leaves us! No matter how hard times get he will never leave you to do things on your own! He is here to take these hurts, and Pains! you just have to let him!!! Something I am still learning!
I will keep you in my prayers!!!!

Love ya bunches!
Ariana

September 7, 2008 at 11:13 PM  
Anonymous Gin said...

Still praying for you, your mom and your dad. Thank you for letting us into your life.

September 7, 2008 at 11:32 PM  
Blogger Cheyenne said...

Scarlett,

oh how I know that faultering feeling... and i know that even though we don't understand the WHY, we know the WHO and the WHO knows the WHY. We have to trust in God and continue to HOPE, do everything with that hope... my prayers are with you and your family.

September 7, 2008 at 11:57 PM  
Blogger Nichole said...

Our pastor told us a few weeks ago "there is a destination beyond your devistation, joy beyond the pain" it just reminds me that as bad as times get, are as good as times will be!

September 8, 2008 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger xoxoxo ~Lori said...

Hi Scarlett! There are time when I feel that my faith is challenged also....& I just don't understand...but ultimately, HE is with us through it all, no matter how hard it gets. Keep the Faith Chicka!

Hugs & prayers to you & your family,

~Lori

September 8, 2008 at 8:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH scarlett! I though of you all weekend! I wondered what the doctors said! I am so sorry of the news but GOD is still big enough to do ANYTHING he choses- including healing your father! I will continue to lift you all up and continue praying for a miracle!

Blessings,
Annie

September 8, 2008 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Ted said...

My family and I are keeping you and your family in prayer, Scarlett. Never easy.
My 29yr old nephew had Muscular Dystrophy since he was born, and as he neared the end of his life, he asked for four songs to be played at his funeral. This is one of them by Sara Groves: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHFK94QH5sU

September 8, 2008 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Momdenn said...

I LUV BG, too!!! That's one of my fave songs. :-) Just believe that w/e may happen is His will. I know it's hard, but God will take care of him and ur family, one way or another. :-)

September 8, 2008 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger Brooke Turner said...

Scarlett I am so sorry. That BarlowGirl song is one of my faves, and has brought me comfort knowing that we are NEVER alone, even when it seems like it. :::HUGS:::

September 8, 2008 at 10:36 AM  
Anonymous Cathy Ann said...

Scarlett, you, your Dad and family are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray your Dad heals and recovers from his cancer. I just lost my MOM to cancer and it is tough. I think of her and miss her every day and want her back. But the though of her suffering and knowing shes in a better place helps. Keep your faith strong, keep praying; miriclaes do happen. If your Dad does leave us in this world that he is going to a better place and you will see him again. That's what everyone keeps telling me and helps. There are alternative treatments that can help in some situations. I wanted my Mom to go to Cancer Center of America but her boyfriend talked her out of it. I realy feel she would of had a better chance if she went there. Just thought I'd share that because they use alternative treatments along with the chemo and other things that mayo and other treatments. I'm praying for you. Keep us up to date. oxoxo, Cathy Ann

September 8, 2008 at 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scarlett:

I felt compelled to comment. I am not a religious person, quite the contraire, but I do follow your blog and believe in the good in humanity and the human condition... and when I read this I was reminded of a conversation that I shared with my family during my grandmother's time of trouble...

Death, suffering, and pain are all things that we as humans avoid until they are in our face- at our door... and yet, they are all things that are natural and inevitable parts of life. Eventually we will each experience these things and there is no way around them. While this realization does little to comfort... accepting this as a universal truth can help to stop asking WHY? Because, really, does it matter? Does anyone have to be to blame? Life happens. Things hurt. People we love suffer. And in time- all of this passes and we have happy days with or without them... we have acheivements and laughter and days when the sun shines and birds sing... and it is all part of life. The good and the bad- the journey as a whole.

I appreciate your views and strength in your beliefs. And while they may not mirror my own, I admire your commitment to these beliefs. I trust that you will work your way through this tough time and find what you are seeking... keep your chin up. Your family is in my thoughts.

September 8, 2008 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger Corinna Hoffman Photography said...

Hugs to you and keep the faith! We're all here for you!

September 8, 2008 at 1:50 PM  
Blogger Sarah :) said...

Oh Scarlett,
I know the feeling of having your faith be challenged. I'll never forget when my dad announced he had cancer..I felt numb and did lots of questioning and had so many fears.
This verse gave me so much comfort and I hope it helps you too:

"Don't be afraid for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

BIG *Hugs* to you...as your family is in my prayers!

September 8, 2008 at 3:06 PM  
Anonymous jenny tarau said...

Scarlett,

a limo driver didn't ask me if I was a model today...

...but this blog entry made MY DAY! I pray that God heals your dad according to His will. You are such a strong women and I admire that. I too am going through a trial in my life and i believe one of the reasons we go through these "storms" is to lift one another up and to encourage each other. That verse in James gave me chills and and simply...peace.

God bless u darling!

Jenny Tarau

September 8, 2008 at 8:10 PM  
Blogger Memories by Micha said...

As Christians it is normal to question what He does sometimes but always know there is a reason for everything he does. Keep your head up and keep praying there is a rainbow at the end of your road!!! I will keep you in my prayers!!!

September 8, 2008 at 9:43 PM  
Blogger Susan Whitney said...

Hey girl, I'm so sorry I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!

September 9, 2008 at 1:29 AM  
Anonymous Tanya Perez said...

Just wanted to let you know you and your family have been in my prayers.

September 9, 2008 at 3:16 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Hey girl,
My heart truly breaks for you because I know what you're going through.
In short - my father is not a Christian, but I did grow up with a wonderful Christian father figure in my life - my uncle. It's like I had 2 halves that helped mold me into a whole person.
2 years ago this past August, God took away my uncle after a 9 month battle with stage 4 metastasized lung cancer. we never got to say goodbye because the cancer took over his brain suddenly (over night & about 3 months before he died) and i will never forget talking to him, praying over him, and kissing him on the forehead while he was "sleeping" ---

i'm saying all of this because we all have tragedies, but if we just hold faith to the fact that Christ put us on this path then he will take care of us. i hope it doesn't sound flippant that i say that, because -- it's something so simple, but you can't see it when you're in the middle of the storm.

give it to God & accept what he's laid before your family. accept - don't give up -- they're not the same things. in the meantime -- do exactly what you're doing -- make sure you have every moment & memory tattooed onto your heart & mind.

our Father in heaven loves you and so do i as my sister in christ, and so do so many other people ---

hang in there kid.

September 9, 2008 at 5:48 AM  
Blogger Jacelyn said...

My grandfather has battled with cancer 4 times. The most recent time started back in 2006, when the cancer had spread to his bladder, and he was in the hospital/rehab for 70+ days. He had his bladder removed, and was released, then we found out the cancer had come back and started attacking his spine. He has been undergoing chemo for the past couple of months, and we just recently found out he is now cancer free! I am writing all of this to say, I know how hard it is to see someone you love go through these ups and downs that cancer puts them through, and can only imagine how much harder it is to remain faithful when it's your parent. What I will say is trust God, now is the time when you have to lean on him more than ever, and just give this situation totally to Him. Let His perfect will be done. It is easier said then done, but he knows all and has a divine plan for your father and your family. Look how many people your father's story has touched and inspired already. Look how many people have brought their relationship with Christ and their prayer life to another level as a result of your dad. God has already begun to do something magnificent through your dad, and I am sure there is only more to come. Believe and trust and God!

September 10, 2008 at 11:06 AM  
Anonymous Danielle Branch said...

I remember feeling some of the same feelings when I lost my mom to Cancer. I still have very hard days. I will lift you and your family up in prayer. I will tell you that there is power in prayer. I need to stop now because all I can do is cry. God's Love and Blessings to you!

Danielle

September 11, 2008 at 11:05 PM  
Anonymous Leslie Austin said...

"Peace, be still and know that I am God". This is my favorite verse because it is all we need to rembember when we become doubtful and worried.

Remember that the ememy tries to attack us even more because of our faith. So, we just need to show him who's Boss!!!

Also, in the times that are difficult and He seems distant to us, it's because those are the times He knows we will come to seek Him the most. And in that is where we learn the strength of our faith...not when things seem easy to obtain but when they seem most difficult.

Your father and your family continues to be in my prayers!

September 13, 2008 at 5:15 PM  
Blogger Scarlett Lillian said...

Thanks for all your continued love and for sharing your own hearts. Your prayers keep me strong!

September 15, 2008 at 2:12 PM  
Anonymous willj said...

scarlett,

i'm so sorry to hear about you dad. my heart sinks a bit whenever I hear of someone fighting this battle.

you will find strength. you won't always know if it will be there, but it will.

i wish you and your family all the best during this time, and will be sending the best thoughts I can your way.

blessings to all of you.

~wj

September 16, 2008 at 11:09 PM  

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