Learning to pause.
Sometimes I day dream about the corporate world... in that way that sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side.
For a brief year, I never worked past 5, I had someone else setting my hours for me. When I walked out of my office, I didn't think about work until the next morning at 8:30am. I had structure. Discipline. And oh yeah, an hour long lunch break to squeeze in a manicure, smoothie, new shirt from the mall if I wanted.
Now a days, I get sucked into the computer, day after day. One more email to answer. One more session to edit. One more thing to back up. And oh yeah, one more tax to pay. My day begins worrying about my photography, and my day ends reviewing my To Do of what I need to wake up and do the next day.
I love what I do, I wouldn't trade all the crazy hours for anything... but I am trying to make changes. My biggest goal? To learn how to pause more.
Unfortunately, I don't typically remember to do this until my faithful poodle, Rhett, stretches his legs and hops out of his dog bed a few feet behind my office chair. Every sunset, it's like he can smell the light turn from harsh to golden, he perches up on my chair with a look on his face that says "I've been so bored watching you work all day, can you PLEASE pause and take me for a walk?", at least that's what I think he would say if he could talk.
At this point, that's when the guilt sets in.
"Oh Lord, I'm going to make a terrible mother," I think to myself each time. "If I neglect my dog this much, how am I going to have time to be a mom with real kids AND run a business one day?"
And that's when, routinely, I feel God remind me, "Just focus on today." Then the verse Psalm 46:10 runs through my head, "Be still and know that I am God."
With the light fading fast outside my window, I finally leashed Rhett up and we headed toward the lake. As I walked around it, I couldn't help but think of when I first moved into my condo. I had just taken the scary step of leaving the security behind and quit my corporate job. But oh, how lost I was. How it was just Rhett and I against the world charting into unknown territory. It was that weird self discovery phase trying to figure out who I was, what I was meant to be, how I was going to pay the bills, what career I wanted to choose, and being content single while I waited for God to cross my path with the man I would one day marry. Now as Rhett and I walked around the lake 5 years later, I find myself once again on the verge of new changes ahead. Getting married, moving into a house, becoming a mom...
But just for that moment, I chose not to think of the past or the future. I chose to simply soak in what was in front of me. To walk Rhett around the lake. To throw the frisbee and laugh at his joyful gallop back to me. To take a deep breath. And be still. My email and To Do list comes and goes back at my desk, but watching my furry son chase the frisbee, those are the moments I want to remember, not with a camera, simply in my mind.
Because, those are the moments that don't get created when I forget to pause.