"This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held"
~"Held" by Natalie Grant
It's days like today I wish my dad was still here.
As I sit here on the eve of hosting my very first workshop, that little girl part of me just wants to run into my dad's arms and have him give me one of his pep talks like his basketball coach used to do for him before each of his State Championship games. Whenever doubts and fears and nervousness would creep into my head before taking new risks in my business, I knew I could visit or call up my dad and he would be ready to tell me to get over it and go kick butt.
Today I want so bad to call him up and say "Ahhhhhh my workshop is tomorrow. Any fatherly advice?"
Today I want to lean across the kitchen counter for one of our business talks and soak up his wisdom.
Today I want to look him in the eye and say "Remember that crazy dream I had of hosting a workshop one day, well, it's happening!"
Today I want to thank him for believing in me and all my crazy dreams.
Today I just want to be held in the embrace of his hug feeling that strength that only a father can give.
I love the picture above that my mom took of him and I when I was a baby. From a technical point of view, it's bad lighting and you can barely see him in the picture. But what I love so much about the picture is what you can see are his hands holding me.
Keeping me safe and close to his heart.
But what I love more about this picture is the picture this paints of my Heavenly Father's love. This past year as I've struggled to keep walking my journey with out my earthly father, God has been redefining His relationship with me to know Him more intimately as my true Father. To truly understand that He's not a distant God, but a loving Father holding me close, protecting me and keeping me safe just as my earthly father did. That God is a Father who doesn't just say "Good morning Sunshine" like my dad used to, but a Father who rises the sunshine each morning so that I might have another day to see the beauty He has created in this world and document it with my camera.
As I approach the one-year anniversary of when my dad passed, I've been reflecting a lot on how much has changed in the past year through the adversity of having my world turned upside down. As I listened to Beth Moore in my car the other day, she summed it up perfectly:
"Our trust in God reverses the detours of adversity into highways of destiny. Suddenly we realize that the things we thought were detours, that was one of the most important things that ever happened to me in leading to my calling."
Had I had the choice, sure, I would have detoured away from the loss, but instead, I choose to trust that as much as I will never understand the purpose in the loss, I do trust that my Heavenly Father does, and that it is all part of His greater plan for His greater glory. That the purpose is not to understand why we must go through adversity, but the purpose is to simply be held as we go through it.