And to cry.
I mean like one of those long hard cries. The kind where everything you have been bottling up comes spilling out. All the hurt you've been harboring. All the hurt you realize you caused others. All the fears and doubts and insecurities and ways you've realized you've been selfish and self-centered. All the regrets and ways you know you've messed up in trying to obey the Lord and seek His best, yet keep slipping up again and again trying to numb the pain. All the things you want to be mad at God about, but yet you are trying with everything inside of you to keep trusting that "everything works together for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28)
The last night there, we had an hour of worship, and when the song by Kari Jobe below came on, it just so expressed that place where I'm at in life right now:
Here before your altar
I am letting go of all I've held
Of every motive, every burden
Everything that's of myself
And I just want to wait on You, my God
I just want to dwell on who You are
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Oh Lord You're beautiful to me
As I shared with the girls as we circled the room with our prayer requests, it's so hard being in this place where I feel like I'm starting all over again, on my own. Not just relationship wise, but business wise, I feel these shifts happening where God is shaking things up to grow my business in new ways, and it's just a culmination of that fear of the unknown in all areas of my life, though at the same time I'm excited about new visions for the future He gave me at the retreat. And in the past six months, there's a been a shift in our relationship because I've had to almost learn who God truly is as my Heavenly Father now that my own father is gone. It's all new, it's all scary.... and though I don't know what lies ahead, I do know this is exactly where God wants me, where He wants you, each day, dependent on Him, continuing to wait and dwelling on who He is... beautiful.