The empty spaces.
Tears can really catch you off guard. Mascara is completely running down my face right now.
I was writing in my prayer journal yesterday about how numb I feel to everything swirling around me. Everyone has been saying how hard it must be what I am going through, but honestly, I've almost thought something has been wrong with me because I haven't felt much of anything, other than walking in circles trying to wrap my head around everything. I think I've gotten so used to putting up walls around my heart when I feel pain coming on. It's like a defense mechanism to close off my heart emotionally so that I can think logically with my mind how to handle a crisis situation and be strong for those around me.
My mom called late last night after having her first real cry about the news about my dad. She has been going 24/7 tending to his down spiral the past 8 weeks, that it finally hit her last night as she laid in bed by herself. Without my dad. The emptiness set in. And her tears came flooding out.
I hung up the phone wondering when it would really hit me. Like, yeah, I had an initial cry when I heard about the mass they found on his lungs, but once the news became official that it was indeed cancer, I've been in my problem solving head trying to be strong for my mom, while trying to plug away at my photography business and distract myself from the realities of the battle ahead helping my family fight the cancer attacking my dad's body. The emptiness hadn't set in for me yet.
I was editing these father/daughter dance pictures to get ready to blog tomorrow from Sarah's wedding.
Seeing how tightly Sarah's dad held her while Sarah cried holding her dad in return, that was it, my tears flooded out.
Suddenly, the emptiness hit me.
What if my dad isn't there for me to hold on my wedding day?
Also at the moment when I was editing the picture, one of my favorite Jeremy Camp songs came on my iTunes in the background. It's called "I Still Believe." He has always been one of my favorite Christian artists for an incredible testimony he has that I was lucky enough to interview him about in my journalism days. The song that was playing was the song he wrote after he lost his first wife to cancer just a month after they were married. As he held her hand in the hospital when she passed, he finally let go of her hand, and raised his hands to God praising Him right there in the hospital room, despite His sadness, despite His loss, knowing that in the hardest times of life, this is what Jesus died for, and He is still worthy of praise at all times.
That story has always stuck close to my heart and left me questioning, would I have the strength to do the same?
I still don't know the seriousness of my dad's cancer, he just went in for the biopsy today, and he could still survive the treatments living with his own amazing testimony. I guess the worry wart in me is just also being realistic about the other possibility as I wait in this gap before I know more answers from the biopsy. Though I don't know all the answers right now, I am still choosing to raise my hands and praise God knowing He can fill the empty spaces.
Thank you sooooo much to everyone who is praying with me. I am blessed beyond measure to have your support and strength and friendship!