Daddy's little girl.
This morning I went on a walk with my dog, Rhett, around the lake, and Bethany Dillon's song "Hallelujah" came on my iPod.
"Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah."
At that moment when that line hit my ears, my eyes closed, and for a moment the world stopped as I felt a strong breeze cool my forehead. I couldn't help but think how much the breeze reminded me of God's presence. Just like how we can't see the wind, it doesn't make it less real. Just like how we can't see God, doesn't make Him less real. Just like how we can feel the breeze embrace our skin and travel through our hair, we can feel God's breeze in our hearts living in us, through us and all around us. That is the beauty of faith, knowing to be true what we can not see.
I listened to the song reflecting back to the first time I heard it last year, and how much my world has changed since then, yet how sometimes I feel back in the same place with all my questions, all my uncertainties, all my prayers that I daily try to understand His purpose in.
"Here we go again, Lord," I said as the song continued on.
"Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far beyond Your reach.
I can climb a mountain, swim the ocean, do anything.
But it's when you hold me, that I start unfolding and all that I can say is...
Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me, I CHOOSE to sing Hallelujah"
After the walk, I unleashed Rhett and plopped down at my desk to see I had a voicemail waiting from my mom.
"Hey Scar, we are at the hospital and the doctor took an Xray of daddy's chest. They've found a large mass on his lungs, and they are taking him in now to get a CAT scan to try to see exactly what it is. They said the wound he had on his back that he had been taken to the emergency room for a few weeks ago was not what is causing his problems with the weight loss, etc, apparently it's whatever this mass is on his lung. Please keep him in prayer and I'll keep you updated."
I immediately burst into tears. The same kind that dropped me to the floor when I found out my mom had breast cancer 4 years ago. The same kind that dropped me to the floor when I thought I had breast cancer last year. But this time, it was my dad's turn and the thought of losing him hit me like a truck and out came flooding my tears.
With the tears came fears. Fear for the possibility of his life ending. Fear for my mom losing him and having to live life on her own. Fear of losing one of my best friends and the first man I ever loved. Fear for him not being here to walk me down the aisle one day. Fear of him never knowing his grandchildren. Fear for all the medical expenses that are going to continue to drain my parents on top of the ones they are still trying to pay off for my mom's 4 years ago. Fear of not understanding why God might take my dad as such a young age.
My dad has always been a heavy smoker, so I knew deep down this day might come. I just feel paralyzed now that it is actually here.
But as 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love." So I am choosing to cling to that and to sing Hallelujah despite all the uncertainties in front of me right now with my dad. I know that God is a gracious Father and that He will take care of my own father.
I wanted to share this with you because I believe in the power of prayer where two or more are gathered. I know it's still early and we don't know for sure yet if it's cancer, but either way, please lift him up in your prayers. Whatever God's will is in this situation, please pray for our family to feel His comfort and peace and strength as things unfold. I will keep you updated with the news when I know more. Thank you for your friendship in Christ and for your prayers!